Me and Him (Part 2)

(Read previous story here)

One day, the fight between my mind and my deep-heart brought me to Don Miguel Ruiz's book: The Mastery of Love. I did not sure how I ended up buying it and read it wholeheartedly. I was struck by his words many times. But I remembered one paragraph from the book that made me changed myself completely. He wrote:

In order to protect our emotional wounds, and because of our fear of being hurt, humans create something very sophisticated in the mind; a big denial system. In that denial system we become the perfect liars. We lie so perfectly that we lie to ourselves and we even believe our own lies.

That's it. I was facing a big denial system all this time. I did not open myself to him cause I was afraid he would hurt me in any way. I pulled myself away because I was afraid of my own feelings whether they were true or not. Don was true, I did not want to commit what I really felt because I was trying to protect my emotional wounds. But then I realized, how could I find the truth about us if I did not give it a shot? How if we were really meant for each other? How if we love each other much that we could build a strong family? Lots of "how if"s.

The how ifs made myself to finally open to him. I began to go out with him again - on a rather actual date :). We talked about what this relationship would go. We also agreed that we would take this into a serious level. Even though I was still 20 back then, I did realize that I did not want to take him only for granted. If he wanted this to be special, to be serious, then I wanted it to be the same too.

We decided to officially be an item on mid of August 2013. I found out a lot about him on our journey in getting to know each other. One thing I knew for sure back then, he was (and still is) the sweetest man I have ever found in my whole entire life - and no, I did not exaggerate this.

Our story did not end just like that. We went through some couple of rough and bad moments - really bad. Then again, he knew exactly how to comfort me and how to make me sure of him. He still believed in me even though there were such times when I pushed him away. We were also on our worst point of our lives but somehow, something pulled me back to him. I could not let him go and some parts of me thought that I could not find any other guy better than him. He was (and again still is) the real living creature of my imagination of "the guy I have been looking for this entire time". I knew before that no one is perfect, if I only focused on his negative sides how could I see the best in him? So then I found myself back with him - back with him for good.

As we agreed to take the relationship into a serious level, we started to make plans for our wedding. People might say that it was too soon, but I was sure of him and I thought to myself, hey.. what else do I need to wait?

Before we and both of our family decided on our wedding date, he proposed me two times before I finally said yes. First, he popped the question through our office chat messenger. He shared his desktop and showed me all the places that I have been dreaming to go to. He asked me a very simple question, "Do you want to go to these places and spend the rest of your life with me?" and I said to him, "I want you to propose me for 5 times. Then I answered your question". He never knew that I broke the tears of joy when I saw those questions. Second, he proposed me in his car, this time with a ring on his hand. I felt beyond happy and no words could describe how grateful I was. I said "yes" and there were no third, fourth and fifth proposals. :)

We finally tied the knot on September 2014 and made a promise to ourselves that we would make the best of it.

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I know that this is such a long post and I actually never have this kind of long post before. I literally spent a day writing this down, reminiscing all the good and the bad we went through. Even though I am still not a relationship expert, but if I could give a word of an advice, please don't ever ever fight with your own feelings. Follow your guts and never let that denial system hunt you down.

May we all be forever happy.

Love you now and always, A.

Your sincere wife,

Nidi.

*updated 04.06.2015*
PS: This post is also to remind me that two of my best girls, Angel & Icha, helped me to get through all the drama. Thank you to both of them for helping this woman-to-be found her so-called happily-ever-after.